(MENAFN- Kashmir Observer) Unconscious Marriage: The Default State of Love
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When we fall in love or choose to marry, we often ascribe our feelings to destiny, love, or divine intervention. While divine intervention plays a role in every aspect of life, we sometimes use it to avoid taking responsibility for what requires effort and intention.
Love and marriage are not purely spontaneous acts; they are deeply influenced by cognitive and emotional patterns established in early childhood. These unconscious forces, shaped by our attachments and experiences, create a blueprint for how we interact in relationships.
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This phenomenon, often referred to as
psychic determinism , reminds us that the past exerts a powerful influence on the present. However, as human beings, we possess the unique gift of
free will , which allows us to challenge and redirect these patterns. Viktor Frankl, the author of
Man's Search for Meaning, captured this beautifully:
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
This space is where we can transform unconscious habits into conscious choices, reshaping the course of our relationships.
The Danger of Passive Love and Why Passion Fades
Romantic relationships often follow a predictable script: attraction, pursuit, passion, and eventually, commitment. The initial pursuit, fuelled by passion and novelty, gives us a sense of purpose. However, once the chase ends and the relationship stabilizes, we risk falling into passivity.
This decline in passion happens because humans thrive on meaning and growth. Without ongoing effort and attention, even the most promising relationships can stagnate, giving rise to frustrations rooted in unconscious expectations. The very traits and patterns that once fueled our attraction may resurface as challenges, testing the foundation of the relationship.
The truth is, passion alone cannot sustain a relationship. It must be accompanied by effort, mutual understanding, and the willingness to grow together. Otherwise, we risk falling into the trap of
passive love , where the relationship merely exists without purpose or vitality.
Making the Unconscious Conscious: A New Path to Lasting Love
True growth begins where the romantic fantasy ends. The mundane aspects of daily life-shared chores, raising children, managing finances-offer opportunities for profound connection if approached with awareness.
Ask yourself:
Why do I feel and behave this way in my relationship? What patterns am I repeating?
These questions can unveil the unconscious dynamics at play, offering insights that are critical for breaking cycles of dysfunction.
Even in struggling marriages, this self-awareness is invaluable. It helps us understand how we contribute to the relationship dynamic and offers a pathway for healing, both individually and collectively.
Why Love Requires Intentional Effort
Love is often romanticized as an effortless emotion, something that simply happens. But lasting love requires consistent effort and deliberate choices. Unlike the fleeting nature of passion, intentional love is built on shared values, communication, and mutual respect.
Effort in love means:
Investing Time: Regularly dedicating time to connect, whether through deep conversations, shared activities, or simple gestures of affection.
Communicating Openly: Addressing misunderstandings and expressing needs without fear of judgment or rejection.
Supporting Each Other's Growth: Encouraging your partner's personal development and celebrating their successes.
By consciously practicing these behaviors, we can shift the focus from fulfilling unconscious needs to creating a partnership based on mutual growth and respect. This intentional approach not only strengthens the bond but also helps us transcend the patterns of the past.
The Role of Forgiveness in Breaking Unconscious Patterns
Forgiveness is a powerful tool in transforming relationships. Many of the conflicts we face in marriage stem from unresolved issues-both personal and relational. Holding onto resentment or unspoken grievances can deepen the wounds created by unconscious patterns.
True forgiveness begins with understanding. When we empathize with our partner's struggles and recognize how our own unresolved traumas might contribute to the conflict, we can begin to let go of the blame. Forgiveness is not about ignoring hurtful behavior but about freeing ourselves from its grip, allowing space for healing and growth.
The Importance of Self-Awareness and Personal Growth
Marriage serves as a mirror, reflecting our deepest fears, unresolved traumas, and unmet needs. It is within this intimate relationship that we can confront and heal the wounds of our past. By becoming aware of these unconscious influences, we not only improve our relationships but also contribute to breaking generational cycles of pain and dysfunction.
This journey of self-awareness and personal growth is essential for fostering stability, fulfillment, and love. It is the legacy we leave for future generations-a testament to why marriage holds a central place in divine revelations.
Practical Steps for Building Conscious Relationships
To make your relationship more intentional and fulfilling, consider the following steps:
Practice Active Listening: Pay attention to your partner's words without interrupting or formulating a response. Genuine listening fosters understanding and connection.
Set Shared Goals: Discuss your dreams and aspirations as a couple. Working towards common objectives strengthens your bond and provides a sense of purpose.
Engage in Self-Reflection: Take time to examine your own patterns, triggers, and areas for growth. This awareness will help you approach conflicts more constructively.
Seek Support When Needed: If you find yourselves stuck in repetitive cycles, consider seeking guidance from a therapist to gain new perspectives.
The author is a Consultant Clinical Psychologist and can be reached at [email protected]
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