Crushed By Debt? One Anonymous Group Is Helping People Regain Financial Control Khaleej Times

(MENAFN- Khaleej Times)

At one point in his life, UAE resident Eric* had a debt of more than Dh150,000.“I've always borrowed money from friends throughout the years and I was never clear about my finances,” says Eric​.

He grew up in the UK with parents who were always 'broke'.“There was always food on the table, but there was never enough money,” he says.“Their view of money was, 'Okay, we're going to win the lottery and everything will be fine.' And it implied that if we​ haven't won the lottery, then everything is not fine.”

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As an adult, Eric constantly worried about money and always felt like there was a gaping mismatch between his income and expenses. He applied for credit cards and loans and ended up accumulating unsecured debt, which​ was a bit like stepping on quicksand.“And here in the UAE, banks offer you cards so it's really easy to get into debt just like anywhere else,” he says. Eric even started his own business but ended up borrowing money from his wife to keep it afloat.

Debt is not just about being unable to afford anything; it cuts debtors off from their social circles and has a devastating impact on their mental and emotional wellbeing. Eric, for instance, began to avoid social gatherings where he would have to spend money. And when people around him discussed their finances or the latest property they'd just purchased, he felt very isolated and lonely.“All this weighed me down emotionally.” The worst thing, he continues, is“the feeling that I will always be in debt, even when I die.”“It is very terrible​ and awful to have no hope whatsoever, especially as expatriates because it can make you feel very lonely,” he adds.

Eric first learned about D​ebtors A​nonymous (DA) and Business Debtors Anonymous (BDA),​ which help members to stop incurring unsecured debt​, through Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA)/Dysfunctional Families of which he is a long-time member. At the time of our conversation, he had been a member of DA and BDA for nearly seven months and had been attending their virtual meetings at least once a week.

Similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, Eric explains that the group has a 12-step programme and his sponsor takes him through it. He has a 'numbers buddy' and together, they track their finances.“I also have a ​Pressure Relief Group with whom I share my incomings and outgoings. It has helped me to get clarity about my debts,” he says. Over the past few months, he has learned tools to track every penny and has been working toward​s his goal of avoiding new debt.

Eric​ no longer borrows money.“I may not be able to buy myself a palace, but I've learned to cover my personal and company bills,” he smiles.“I've even found a side job which has increased my personal income. There is definite progress.”

The exact number of DA members in the UAE or the Middle East is hard to come by because, as an anonymous fellowship, the group doesn't keep records of membership. However, a member of the DA explained that most of their virtual meetings began during the Covid-19 pandemic.“Thanks to telecommunication services like Zoom, virtual DA meetings are possible/available in every country,” they said via email, adding that they have in-person and phone meetings as well.

Breaking away from debt

Former UAE resident Thomas* was raised in Canada as the son of 'lower middle-class' immigrant parents.“Money was always a huge conversation. How much does this cost, can we afford this, don't waste your money - this was the messaging while growing up that would feed the debtor in me down the road,” says Thomas, who currently resides in Qatar.“And sadly, the family that I was raised ​in was quite dysfunctional. I had experienced forms of emotional, physical and sexual abuse, so I had to get out on my own if I wanted to recover.” He grew up feeling like he wouldn't be 'worthy' un​less he was financially successful.

The first cycle of debts began at university, where he had student loans worth 14,000 Canadian dollars. He went on to work in Japan, Oman, the UAE, and Qatar. And over the years, even though he managed to pay off the loans, a troubling pattern began to emerge: he would push himself to the brink of burnout to pay off his debts, only to accumulate new ones through bank loans. He would enrol in expensive professional courses and invest 300,000 to 400,000 dollars in startups that would never take off. He lived between extremes by earning well, but also spending hard.“I would save like crazy and, at the same time, go out and spend a lot. We had ​three cars​ and we didn't need three cars,” says Thomas, who was also recently diagnosed with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

At one point, he had a debt of half a million dollars.“There was always this thought in my head that if I could just get enough money​ or get rich, I wouldn't have to worry about work,” he says. He was extremely unhappy at work and suffered from burnout yet again, last year. But this time, he finally realised that the endless loans kept him trapped in a job and life that he didn't like. He decided to get help and started attending DA's virtual meetings in November 2024.

'Debt addiction' is a term that is often used to describe debtors' behaviour, but Dr Robert Chandler, managing director and clinical psychologist at The LightHouse Arabia, explains that it's a colloquial term that's not used in a clinical or medical setting. He explains that debtors are not exactly addicted to debt itself, but they could have other issues - like an emotional avoidance of money, or overspending.“They will often have impulse control issues and so we are more likely to diagnose them with an impulse control disorder of which the result is 'debt addiction'. So, we don't diagnose it per se,” he explains.

Interestingly, it tends to afflict men more than women.“I think there are a lot of men, in particular, who see their friends doing well and this compulsive spending to purchase luxury items they can't afford is because they didn't feel good enough in their early life, or went through life feeling like they don't measure up,” he explains.“So in treatment, we're always going back to what the underlying schemas inside this person's mind are, and it often centres around things like low self-worth, a deep sense of defectiveness and compromised self-control - which can lead to impulsive behaviour.”

Also, they rarely struggle with just one type of addiction - for instance, Thomas had struggled with an eating disorder as well. Debtors often find it hard to admit that they​ need help to deal with serious money troubles​ - after all, it is so common to have money issues​ especially in a tough economy. So how can one tell if they're just going through a rough patch financially or if it's time to seek professional help?

When debtors do end up seeking therapy, it's usually for other reasons like a failed relationship, depression or feeling angry and irritable all the time. So the key lies in finding out their financial situation and relationship with money during treatment, says Dr Chandler. Mental​ health ​professionals like him check whether the person has a preoccupation with spending and borrowing money and whether this behaviour has a detrimental impact on his/her life. They also see whether the person had tried to break free from this pattern of behaviour, but was unsuccessful. And if the answer is yes, they might be looking at a case of addiction.

“Someone experiencing temporary financial difficulty but with no history of addiction or psychological concerns may benefit initially from financial coaching,” explains Dr Chandler.“In contrast, individuals with longstanding patterns of problematic money behaviours - such as poor impulse control, broader emotional dysregulation, or a history of mental health issues - are more likely to fall within the spectrum of behavioural addiction and would typically require therapeutic or psychological support.”

Living within means

The group's virtual meetings are attended by members from different corners of the world but their varying experiences have one common thread: a completely broken relationship with money.

Ramesh*, who lives in India, grew up watching his parents fight over money, as the two had diametrically opposite approaches to saving.“So even though I come from an upper middle-class family, I never had a comfortable relationship with money. In fact, I felt, what was the point of having money if there is no peace in the house? I had no value or respect for money and had a sense of entitlement.”

Ramesh never took any of his jobs seriously, walked around with a resignation letter tucked in his pocket, and was reckless with money. He was also comfortable with 'underearning' which Ramesh says most debtors like him struggle with.

In 2020 he hit financial rock bottom, having burned through all his money.“I felt like everything had crashed and burned around me,” he says. A failed relationship motivated him to join DA, and today, he has a“neutral” relationship with money and is focused on being financially independent.

For another member Stephen*, an uninterrupted 30-minute call is a luxury that he is just getting used to.“Before, at least 10 creditors would have called me by now,” he says when we speak.

Stephen explains that debtors like him get 'drunk on money'.“We feel very good when we have money in our pockets, meet friends and visit clubs,” he explains.“But when we don't have money, we get very restless.” He first began borrowing money from people at high interest ​rates to pay off the EMIs on a personal loan. Like alcoholics at a bar or gamblers at a casino, debtors​ go to finance agents' websites or look for brokers who will get them money, he says.

As he was unable to repay the large sums of money that he owed banks and everyone he knew, Stephen felt increasingly isolated, depressed, and even suicidal. Irate creditors would turn up at his house or bombard him with calls.“I had to deal with 40 to 50 creditors from morning till evening,” he recalls.“When you are repeatedly unable to repay the money on the date that you promised, you begin to question what is wrong with you. I felt like I was not useful to anyone and that my family was suffering because of me.”

It's not the amount of money they owe that keeps them​ up at night, he adds - it's the possibility of having to live with this sense of shame and fear for the rest of their lives that leaves them paralysed.

In 2022, when the Covid-19 pandemic worsened his already precarious financial situation, Stephen came across DA's website while scrolling through his mobile and began​ to attend the group's virtual meetings.“I felt like I was not alone,” he explains.

Stephen says he feels blessed and grateful.“Today, I feel like I am getting the money that I deserve and I am living a meaningful life.”

*Names withheld to protect identity

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