What Tantrums Teach Us About Kashmiri Kids

(MENAFN- Kashmir Observer)
Representational photo

By Nihad Ashraf Khan

In a modest schoolroom in Pulwama, an eight-year-old knocks over his water bottle, clenches his fists, and lets out a sharp yell. His teacher doesn't scold him. Instead, she lowers her voice and says,“It's okay to feel big things. Let's take a breath.”

Scenes like this are becoming more common in parts of Kashmir. Not because children are acting out more, but because educators and parents are slowly starting to respond differently-thanks to science.

For decades, meltdowns in children were seen as misbehavior. A loud tantrum in the middle of the market. A slammed door after homework frustration. A refusal to say sorry. These outbursts were usually met with punishment, lecture, or silence.

But neuroscience tells a different story: these reactions aren't signs of a poorly raised child. They're signs of a brain still growing, and struggling to cope.

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A child's brain doesn't fully mature until their mid-twenties. The prefrontal cortex-the part responsible for reasoning, decision-making, and self-control-is among the last to develop. In children, it's under construction. In teens, it's still wiring itself together.

What's fully online, though, is the brain's survival system. This part, often called the“downstairs brain,” reacts instantly to threat or distress: real or imagined.

When a child screams after losing a game or bursts into tears over a broken pencil, it's this lower brain taking over. Logic is off. Emotion is high. And in that moment, the child can't process reason. They're not choosing to disobey. They're overwhelmed.

In Kashmir, where generational trauma, social pressure, and conservative parenting often shape family life, these truths have been slow to enter public discourse. Discipline is still prized. Quiet obedience is often expected. Emotional expression is sometimes seen as weakness.

But change is starting.

In a recent workshop in Baramulla, attended by school counselors and community health workers, facilitators explained how a child's behavior is a reflection of what their brain can-and cannot-yet do.“Children aren't miniature adults,” said one psychologist.“They're growing systems. Their brains are learning to connect emotional storms with calm seas. That takes time.”

One recent study done in Kashmir followed 200 primary school students over a six-month period. Those who were offered emotional support-through grounding exercises, one-on-one check-ins, or simply patient presence-showed marked improvements in classroom focus, peer relationships, and stress recovery. The difference wasn't discipline. It was understanding.

In some homes, that understanding is becoming part of everyday parenting.

When her five-year-old son began having nightly meltdowns during power cuts in Anantnag, Sabeena Yousuf at first thought he was being difficult. But after speaking with a pediatrician, she changed her response.“I stopped shouting,” she said.“I started sitting next to him, just listening. He began to calm down faster.”

This shift, meeting a child's chaos with calm, goes against old instincts. But it works. When a caregiver responds with presence instead of punishment, it signals safety. That safety helps re-engage the“upstairs brain”-the part that can think, reflect, and make better choices next time.

The idea isn't to ignore bad behavior. It's to understand where it's coming from. A child who throws a toy may need boundaries. But they also need help naming frustration. A teen who storms out might need consequences, but also connection.

In Kupwara, a community-run anganwadi has introduced emotion cards: simple illustrations of sad, angry, scared, and happy faces. Children point to how they feel before morning snacks.“It's a small thing,” says the anganwadi worker.“But it's teaching them to name what's inside before it explodes.”

There's no instant fix. A child's ability to manage emotions is built slowly, through repeated co-regulation with adults. And that means adults must also learn to pause, breathe, and sometimes unlearn their own habits.

It's especially hard in places like Kashmir, where strife, uncertainty, and grief often ripple through daily life. Parents are carrying their own emotional loads. But understanding the science of child development can be a tool. Not just for parenting, but for healing generational patterns.

• Nihad Ashraf Khan is a research scholar in biosciences with a focus on neurodevelopment and childhood behavior.

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