Cruising Down Mafika Lisiu

(MENAFN- The Post) True story. Read it slowly. If not for pleasure, then to avoid random screams like that legion of unpaid social media trolls who have made it their vocation to defend the epic blunders of their masters.

The owner of a chicken bus is frustrated with a driver who misses work and collides with other vehicles without provocation.

Angry, he hires another driver to replace the bungling one.

But for a smooth transition, the boss instructs the new driver to accompany the old driver on long trips for a few weeks. The old driver protests but the boss assures him that the new driver is just an apprentice who will be assigned to another bus to be delivered soon.

The new driver looks like the right man for the job. He claims to have driven several buses in Lesotho and won't miss a chance to lampoon some drivers as inept drunks unfit for the steering wheel.

“As for me, I never inflicted a single scratch on a bus,” he gloats.

The old driver is incompetent but not stupid. So he knows the new chap is there for his job.

The new driver doesn't hide it as well, occasionally blurting out something to the effect that“somewhere in this bus is a bumbling idiot who cannot drive even a wheelbarrow”.

One day, he repeatedly makes that idiot-who-should-drive-wheelbarrow jibe until the old driver is pissed.

Tempers flare just before Mafika Lisiu.

The new chap orders the driver to stop the bus so they promptly settle the matter physically.

The driver obliges and they drag each other into the veld for some mutually beneficial bashing.

They are both lousy fighters but, by luck, the new chap catches the driver with a blow that knocks him cold.

He drags the unconscious driver into the bus, ties him to the passenger's seat, jumps on the driver's seat and starts the bus.

Then just as they start going down the treacherous Mafika Lisiu the new chap starts shaking, sweating and mumbling.

He fumbles in his pocket, pulls out a phone and makes a frantic call.

“Haro, haro, haroooo. Is that Mohale Driving School?”

“Yes, it is. How can we help you Ntate?”

“Very good! I want to speak to the driving instructor. It's urgent.”

“Which one Ntate?”

“Heela! Slim one with a big forehead.”

The instructor is handed the phone.

New driver: Haro Ntate. We have big problem.

Instructor: What problem Ntate?

New Driver: You teach me driving last week neh?

Instructor: Okay, so what's the problem?

New Driver: I am driving. I know steering wheel very well but some small things are confusing me.

Instructor: What's the problem Ntate?

New Driver: I see three metal things on my feet. Tell me fast, which one is the brake thing?

Instructor: What?

New Driver: I am now forgetting which one is the brake or accelerator.

Instructor: What?

New Driver: It's Ntate Morena. Tell if the brake thing-thing is the middle or right one. Kapa it's the one on the left.

Instructor: Ntate Morena! Why the hell are you driving a car? You only did one lesson.

New Driver: Don't ask me nonsonso! Nothing hard about driving a bus with 80 passengers. Just tell me which is which and I am fine.

Instructor: Did you say you are driving a bus?

New Driver: Yes, very well but these three things are confusing me.

Instructor: Who said you should drive?

New Driver: I was hired to drive so I am driving. Now tell me which one is the brake thing. U se ka mpotsa nyoso.

Kea sebetsa mona!

Instructor: Where are you driving?

New Driver: Down Mafika Lisiu.

There is silence on the other end of the line.

The instructor has fainted.

This story is not about a driver.

If you read it as such then your brain is the size of the punctuation mark ending this sentence.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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